I was going to write a story, but decided to blog instead :S

I've now been living "on my own" for about a month and a half. I'm not really sure what I expected in the first place, but I'm not really disappointed so that's probably a good sign, right? I spent a good long time this evening just reflecting a little on what brought me here, what's changed and what hasn't, what I miss and what I don't miss. Reflection is almost always beneficial, except when it's all you ever do. You run out of things to reflect on pretty quickly, as I would know from experience.
After watching this silly show about a bunch of socially inept physicists and engineers, I really started to miss math, funny as it sounds. I'm definitely not as smart as the 4 big nerds on this TV show, but I did understand part of what they were talking about at least most of the time. I now do no math at all on a regular basis after having taken math classes for the last 3 and 1/2 years of my life (I didn't have any my first semester when I thought I'd be a music major; that department was too dramatic for me). I might just pull my calculus book out and read it for fun sometime. Haha.
I also miss playing the piano. I have a piano in my new room, but it's out of tune (like one note will play three different pitches at once) and there is no room for my keyboard. I do miss it terribly. The guitar just isn't quite the same.
I do not miss having no time to read, however. I've been reading as much as possible and enjoying it a lot. The Three Musketeers is a very entertaining book, albeit very long. Knowing God is an excellent book also, but for much different reasons. Harry Potter is not exactly an excellent set of books, but they are good reading for pleasure.
Living "on my own" and having a job and not having an end goal of having a degree in my hand any more has really changed my mindset in a lot of ways. Possibilities seem to lay stretched out endlessly before me. (Whether or not these possibilities are probabilities remains to be seen as I have retained, if nothing else from the last 4 years of school, a tendency to procrastinate.) I do know, however, that the future really is in God's hands. I have most definitely developed a much stronger faith over the past few months as I have stepped out into this new world. It's been scary and challenging in a myriad of ways, but God's used each of those little things to help me get closer to Him, and that in all, is what this life is about anyway. So I know that I am indeed in very good Hands.

Sleepy minds make grumpy spirits

I don't know if the title is true for all people, but I know it's true for me. Sometimes anyway; right now in particular. When I'm sleepy, I tend to daydream, and then I get discontent. Everyone says dreams and wishes are good things that keep people going but sometimes I wonder about this supposed fact. Maybe it would help if all my dreams and wishes lay along the same path. I keep chasing different wishes on different days and then it feels like I'm running in circles. Just because none of them seem to go the same direction doesn't mean they won't though, so I should probably just stop worrying about it :S. Just keep "delighting in the Lord" and He will bring light to the path.
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." (Ps. 37:23-24)
"For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you'." (Isaiah 41:13)
Yeah, these verses don't guarantee that all my dreams will come true, but they do guarantee that even if I can't see what's going to happen next, God does. He's preparing the way and preparing my heart for the journey.
Anyway, bedtime! Maybe I won't be so grumpy tomorrow :).

A confession (for Sarah B :)

The truth is out. I am a terrible blogger. It has been almost 3 months since my last post, and that really is rather unfortunate since a lot happened in those last 3 months. I am now an alumnus of Eastern New Mexico University. I wanted to put the word "finally" there at the end of the previous sentence, but the last 4 years really went by so fast that I don't think it would be appropriate. And the word finally implies endings, but it's really just a beginning.
As it is late, I think I shall sign off by leaving my dear reader(s) with a poem/song/thing that I think I wrote, but I'm not sure when. I found it a few evenings ago and it expresses my sentiments well for the present time.

The stately garments of the trees
Their branches outspread wide
Sing the praise of their Creator
The regalia of the flowers
Their scent cleansing the air
Display the caring affection of their Maker

There are miracles all around
There is beauty in this earth
A dim reflection of its Master's glory
Just open the eyes of your heart
You'll never have far to look
To see the majesty of our Lord

Standing on the edge of nowhere
Looking out across vast space
Smiling stars tell of God's greatness and his Grace
The tiniest neuron
Is yet so complex
It declares His awesome wisdom and power.

And He calls to my heart
And He makes it his own
I belong to him, and my life is in his hands
How could I not trust Him
When all around the world
His sovereignty is shown?

Ever-changing Life

I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. listening to Jon Foreman and thinking that I really should be in bed. It's hard to believe it's only 2 weeks until mid-terms here at school and I still haven't nailed down what I want to do after graduation this May. I have a pretty set idea, but it all requires a lot of faith in my Father on my part and understanding on the part of those people whose opinions matter most to me. The first of those two requirements is what really is most important because my Father can change opinions and help me deal with misunderstandings that may arise. It's amazing what happens when one has faith, but it's also devistating to see what happens when one's eyes are taken for just a moment from the One who gives life and takes it. Distractions happen so easily, but the most important part of this life is learning who created it and following Him through it.
Crazy little things have been happening around here over the past few days that have had me in a slight panic, but I know He's in control, and I really shouldn't have let myself worry about all these little things. It all seems job related, too. I was rather tempted to just quit both of my jobs and not worry about it any more, but really, that would just be silly. I am really thankful for both opportunities. One provides me with room and board; the other I really love doing (and the extra income really helps). I'm also thankful for my classes this semester and for the fact that they're really not hard. This has been the least challenging semester since my freshmen year and I'm able to spend time with the friends I've made here before we all start parting ways. It's strange to think that I've pretty much lived here for 4 years of my life now, and strange to think that I'll miss such a crazy, backwards little town, but I know I will. I've learned a lot about myself here, through relationships and challenges and opportunities I never thought I'd have. It's been good.
Before I get all teary-eyed on myself, I here remind myself that I have 13 more weeks that I have to survive before graduation takes place, and that in order to survive them, sleep is necessary. So, goodnight.

Heavenly thoughts...

The following passage is one of my favorites. It reminds me of the miracles we'll see one day when the Lord returns to claim his own. My mind is blown just by thinking of what heaven will be like, how we won't have to struggle with our wretched sinfulness and the God that we as Christians call Father will be standing before our very eyes. "Amen, come Lord Jesus!"
Isaiah 35.3-10 :
Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals where they lie down, the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there, and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Lullaby

Sleep my precious child
Wake to meet a new day
Only remember that I love you
Let that carry you away
May no thoughts or worries
Trouble you this night
Only let what you learned today
Grow you for the fight
One day the world won't be like this
All will be renewed
May you be ready that very hour
May it be the moment your heart's pursued
Sleep now, dearest to my heart
Know that you have been forever set apart.

Friends, hot cocoa, and Phase 10...

I have reached the end of my first week of classes. It wasn't a full week I guess (Monday was MLK JR. day), but it still counts, right? I found myself caught in this struggle to want to rush everything along even though I really have no control over the whole process. So, I'm trying to teach myself to really live in the day I have instead of rushing to the next one. I've been trying to teach myself that for the last 3 years, but now it seems a little more urgent. I only have a few more months (17 weeks to be exact. I still haven't quite gotten over my impatience to get out of Portales) before I graduate and the friends that I have and the life that I've lived and I probably part ways. So instead of worrying about what could happen to hitch up plans or really stress me out (i.e. RA difficulties, or a not so great grade on a test), I'm just trying to focus on the things that I'm enjoying right now. I spent the last two nights hanging out with a few of my best friends here just watching movies and playing games and enjoying some great homemade hot cocoa. It's been a good reminder for me to remember blessings instead of dread things that could become a curse. I started out the week worried and stressed out, but now I'm mostly at peace (minus the sleep that I'm missing as I write this :) ).

The other, more important thing, that I've been trying to learn is just to spend time with God every moment. It's something I did well in my first year of school, but things pile up to distract a person so I'm trying to relearn it again. Over the break, I realized how distant I'd really grown from my Father. A reflection from my little prayer journal right before Christmas: "As I grow older, it seems I realize more and more my wretched state. Or maybe I am growing more wretched." I wonder if this life is meant to be a striving for perfection, or a growing understanding of who God is, and who we are in comparison. Is that the same thing? I'm not really sure. All this to say, if it is the latter (growing in understanding of God by knowing him), I need to get back to that place where I yearn for his companionship moment by moment.
Ps. 27:4 -- One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.