Where's the reset button? Dang it!

I've been having one of those months where I wish I could just wipe everything off my plate and start over. Little things just keep piling up and I feel like I don't have any control over it. I don't really have any control, though, which is probably why I feel that way. The feeling that's bothersome and unnecessary is the panic and worry that can be quite a pain in the neck to ignore. But, I found some time to sit and "be still" for a little while today and found that to be quite refreshing. I also found some time to go through some pictures I got to take over the weekend and enjoy them. They're rather peaceful.

Art class fun-ness

So I've been taking this art class for a couple of weeks now and wanted to share a bit of my work with my loyal readers. This is the first drawing that I've done that I'm quite pleased with. I have a picture of some oranges that was our first assignment, and a purple daisy that turned out pretty nice. This is the one that I've put the most work into I think. It's also the first drawing that I've completed with ink, and ink is scary because there isn't an eraser. I wonder if white-out is an acceptable tool in art. Probably not...

Here's the process (kinda boring, but just wanted everyone to know how hard it was :) ):
Draw the outline of the flower with pencil
Using tracing paper, transfer the outline to a second piece of paper (so I still have the original in case I mess something up)
Sit for 2-3 hours putting little dots in the outline until it starts looking something like a flower
Erase the pencilled outline

It was fun and rewarding but also very frustrating. My teacher gave us the option of stipling (which is what I did with the little dots) or line drawing. Stipling, she said, is easier since it's a lot easier to mess up lines if your elbow gets bumped or you lose track of what you're doing.

Next week, we're supposed to start working with colored pencils... should be exciting :)!

Switchfoot, green chile, and a whole house to myself

One of my roommates in college loved Switchfoot to death. She said once that Jon Foreman wrote everything her heart wanted to say. I'd gotten sick of everything else on my MP3 player and for some reason avoided listening to a lot of Switchfoot, but I finally hunkered down and paid attention to some of their more recent CDs. They get down to the nitty-gritty of humanity and ask a lot of questions most people are afraid to ask. Jon Foreman, their lyricist, digs deep and asks questions about life and love and what it means to be happy. I'm not saying other bands don't ask these kinds of questions, but somehow, Switchfoot is one of the few that has helped me understand myself better.

I've still been asking myself lots of questions about the choices I've made and what my life actually looks like right now. At this very moment, I just finished enjoying an especially spicy dinner of ground beef with pepper accidentally dumped on it, mixed with green chile, cheddar, and whole wheat pasta. The house is unusually peaceful as both of my roommates are out to their various errands and events. And I'm at home with nothing huge looming over my head (for the moment). And I'm really not questioning anything right now either. That's an unusual feeling for me to have, especially lately. Some things I've been thinking about have become more clear, while others still need to be addressed. For example, I "decided" (I try to use that word as loosely as possible) that I am not going to Cameroon for a Vision Trip in May. I hadn't really had a lot of peace about deciding to go in May and have had trouble getting myself to move forward in working through the logistics. A lot of people had been questioning that decision as well since the Field Director in Cameroon wouldn't actually be in the country at that time. I think I was just trying to move forward too quickly. Sometimes, I get too caught up in all the action and trying to "keep the ball rolling" to really stop and pay attention to what my heart is telling me.

For now, I am still looking forward to not working in medical records any more when the summer comes. I'm planning on going to school for linguistics in June and am praying about getting a job as an "educational assistant" when I come back. And I'm still trying to draw pretty flowers in my art class and record sort of pretty music with my new microphone. (I've also "decided" that I have way too many hobbies, but I'm not willing to give any of them up, so I guess nothing will change.)

Well, that's it. Life's crazy. And there's a crazy dog who's licking my shirt because he wants his dinner. I'll end with Switchfoot's quote: "Life begins at the intersection".

It's already 2010???

So, it's already almost the end of January and it still hasn't hit me that it's 2010. I will never cease to be amazed out how quickly time goes. I have survived my first semester of not being in school, am on my way to Africa at the beginning of the summer, am taking "Botanical Art and Illustration", and randomly decided to buy some recording equipment so I can make a cd of music that I wrote. (How I will find the time to make this cd, or whether or not I will actually like this cd is another story.)

I've been feeling like I'm in the middle of a little bit of a crisis with so many choices to make and so many choices that have already been made. Now that I've officially joined a missions agency and am working towards getting on the field, I am freaking out a little and wondering, "What if I had decided to join the Air Force?" and other random things like that. A little bit of "the grass is greener" syndrome, as my mother pointed out

In the midst of all of this, however, I am always refreshed whenever it hits me that none of it is in my hands anyway. One of my good friends said something quite poetic over coffee the other day. "We are stuck in this constant cycle of humanity in which the only relief is the Divine." Something like that. She said it much better and I can't remember her exact wording unfortunately. Anyway, the point is, every time I freak out as I'm trying to figure out my exact plans, God just puts his hand on my little head and tells me to stop worrying. I can't really have exact plans, anyway. They're really more like guidelines.

Reflections

Ps 43:3-5

Send out your light and your truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!

Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre

O God, my God

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

A creed is an important tool in anyone's life. Over the years, I've had my fair share. When I first realized God's love in my life, my creed was Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." Later, when I began to realize more the importance of sharing this love, my creed became John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease."

I stumbled upon Psalm 43:3-5 while I was trying to work through some serious frustration from outside sources in my life. The first words caught my eye, "Send out your light and your truth". I've seen God's guidance in my life again and again over the past few weeks, but there are some things happening in my life since returning from RACE (has it really only been a month since then?) that have seemed hazy and some that have been downright dark. I don't really know how I've managed to stay standing through a lot of it except by God's grace. I live in a difficult environment that's half light and half lies and sometimes it's really difficult to distinguish between the two. I've caught myself starting to slide down the slope of slimy lies quite a few times over the past weeks.

However, the last verse of this passage brings a wonderful exhortation in the midst of all this trouble. "Why are you cast down" and "in turmoil"? Hope in God. There's the cure for all my frustration right there. Because of the order of the verses, it seems to be a bit of a cycle. There's a prayer for guidance; guidance is provided and praise is given; and then the question pops out of nowhere "Why are you cast down?" Seems a little out of place, really. I think this is the point in the psalm-writer's life where sin and Satan attack with lies and deceit, but the writer sees through it within a moment and reminds himself of God's goodness.

So, this is my creed: Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, my salvation and my God.

Home again :)

Well, I'm sitting back in my kitchen listening to my roommates yell at each other (all in good fun, of course). It's been easier transitioning back into "normal life" than I thought it would, except for the fact that I've developed quite a violent cough which is causing quite the headache. Oh well, you can't have it all.

As I walked in the door of my home (still weird to call a house that is not my parent's house "home") last night, one of my roommates commented that I looked "older". Technically, as I did have a birthday over the past week, I am in fact, older, but I do feel a little older in a way. Having a goal again really makes a difference in how one lives one's life. (It does not however, mean that you will not procrastinate as I'm discovering now.)

One of the last things we did at RACE was make a ZAP (Z-to-A Plan). I've pretty much decided that I want to do literacy work in Cameroon, but the path that leads there is kind of long. 3 years isn't that bad, but it is a pretty good chunk of time. Literacy work involves teaching people how to read in their own language so that as the translators translate the Bible, people can read it. Training to do literacy work isn't really extensive, but I've had none so far, so I have to build from the ground up. I'm not quite sure what all it's going to entail just yet as I have not contacted the field director in Cameroon to see what kinds of requirements they have and where exactly they need literacy workers. (Writing that e-mail is on my growing list of things to do.) What I heard from the people there at RACE was that I could do summer school at SIL. (SIL stands for Summer Institute of Lingustics (too many acronyms) and is one of the schools that Wycliffe Bible Translators works with. Funny that I almost went there this last summer and decided not to because one of my best friends was getting married smack-dab in the middle of the session.) Anyway, there's a lot of stuff that goes along with this, but I don't want to bore anyone with all the details floating around in my head trying to make sense of themselves.

All this to say, though, that I am very excited about this, probably more excited than I've been about anything except knowing God, but I have to put all this together while living normal life and trying to work a regular job (and figuring out if I should get a new one that has more flexible hours and pays better... God can do miracles, right?).

I've arrived...

I'm finding that stress is a fuel for my writing. Right now, I'm suffering a little from a lack of stress as I try to figure out how to communicate what this day was like. I started out a lot more emotional than I've been in quite a while, partly because of the anxiety I felt about what the outcome of this process would be (though it really was quite minimal as I really was feeling God's peace pervading and assuring me that He's in control), partly because of the serious lack of sleep, and mostly because of the process I've been brought through. A lot of things that were said or done throughout the week have been really freeing in so many ways. I can't really describe it, so I'll leave it at that.

We began our day at World Team Headquarters with a focus on God's peace and joy, and the importance of bringing those things into the rhythms of our lives. We followed by talking about the various outcomes of our time at RACE. Our options include the following 3:

(1) you are a valuable person and this is in no way a reflection on you as a person but just in relation to World Team (which they say before everyone of the results), but we just don't feel like you are a good fit with World Team,

(2) we think you could be a good fit with World Team, but there are some areas we'd like you to work on and then come back through RACE,

(3) we think you are a good fit with World Team and we'd like to extend to you an invitation to join us.

The moment of truth finally came and Desma and Linda pulled me back to the same room I'd been interviewed by them in before and began saying again that these results are in no way a reflection on you as a person. By that time I was thinking the worst had come, but Linda quickly moved on to say that, "You've been invited to join World Team". I was elated and choked up and a lot of things at once. Desma shared with me a little later that she'd bawled when she heard those same words after going through RACE herself. I also heard later from one of the other assessors that Desma had been in the assessor meetings championing the cause of the introverts in the group which I thought was pretty awesome. After sharing with me some of the strengths they saw in me and going over what this invitation means, Linda gave me a list of things "to do" as I prepare now for getting on the field.

I left that room with a lot of joy and peace as I called family and then a few friends to let them know the outcome of this whole process. Later in the afternoon, I received my field recommendations. They were: Cameroon, the Philippines, and any place in need of a teacher/tutor for missionary kids. Lots to pray about.

I have to say that my reaction time is sometimes kinda slow. My interview was over by 9:30 and it didn't really hit me until 12:30 that my biggest goal was now moving very quickly towards being realized, that I'm now a "missionary appointee"... so many new things all at once. But also so many things at home that I need to figure out as I pray about whether or not I should keep the job I have now, or look at something else (and if so, what?), and lots of things that have probably not yet crossed my mind.

I also have to say that I've been really grateful for the people God brought to RACE with me. Each of us have come away from the process with peace and feeling like we've been dealt with in a lot of love and grace. There's a genuineness and "sweetness" (as Krista put it) in the investment World Team has made in our lives and in the way our team dealt with each other. If you ever get the chance to RACE, you should definitely take it.