Reflections

Ps 43:3-5

Send out your light and your truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!

Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre

O God, my God

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

A creed is an important tool in anyone's life. Over the years, I've had my fair share. When I first realized God's love in my life, my creed was Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." Later, when I began to realize more the importance of sharing this love, my creed became John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease."

I stumbled upon Psalm 43:3-5 while I was trying to work through some serious frustration from outside sources in my life. The first words caught my eye, "Send out your light and your truth". I've seen God's guidance in my life again and again over the past few weeks, but there are some things happening in my life since returning from RACE (has it really only been a month since then?) that have seemed hazy and some that have been downright dark. I don't really know how I've managed to stay standing through a lot of it except by God's grace. I live in a difficult environment that's half light and half lies and sometimes it's really difficult to distinguish between the two. I've caught myself starting to slide down the slope of slimy lies quite a few times over the past weeks.

However, the last verse of this passage brings a wonderful exhortation in the midst of all this trouble. "Why are you cast down" and "in turmoil"? Hope in God. There's the cure for all my frustration right there. Because of the order of the verses, it seems to be a bit of a cycle. There's a prayer for guidance; guidance is provided and praise is given; and then the question pops out of nowhere "Why are you cast down?" Seems a little out of place, really. I think this is the point in the psalm-writer's life where sin and Satan attack with lies and deceit, but the writer sees through it within a moment and reminds himself of God's goodness.

So, this is my creed: Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, my salvation and my God.

Home again :)

Well, I'm sitting back in my kitchen listening to my roommates yell at each other (all in good fun, of course). It's been easier transitioning back into "normal life" than I thought it would, except for the fact that I've developed quite a violent cough which is causing quite the headache. Oh well, you can't have it all.

As I walked in the door of my home (still weird to call a house that is not my parent's house "home") last night, one of my roommates commented that I looked "older". Technically, as I did have a birthday over the past week, I am in fact, older, but I do feel a little older in a way. Having a goal again really makes a difference in how one lives one's life. (It does not however, mean that you will not procrastinate as I'm discovering now.)

One of the last things we did at RACE was make a ZAP (Z-to-A Plan). I've pretty much decided that I want to do literacy work in Cameroon, but the path that leads there is kind of long. 3 years isn't that bad, but it is a pretty good chunk of time. Literacy work involves teaching people how to read in their own language so that as the translators translate the Bible, people can read it. Training to do literacy work isn't really extensive, but I've had none so far, so I have to build from the ground up. I'm not quite sure what all it's going to entail just yet as I have not contacted the field director in Cameroon to see what kinds of requirements they have and where exactly they need literacy workers. (Writing that e-mail is on my growing list of things to do.) What I heard from the people there at RACE was that I could do summer school at SIL. (SIL stands for Summer Institute of Lingustics (too many acronyms) and is one of the schools that Wycliffe Bible Translators works with. Funny that I almost went there this last summer and decided not to because one of my best friends was getting married smack-dab in the middle of the session.) Anyway, there's a lot of stuff that goes along with this, but I don't want to bore anyone with all the details floating around in my head trying to make sense of themselves.

All this to say, though, that I am very excited about this, probably more excited than I've been about anything except knowing God, but I have to put all this together while living normal life and trying to work a regular job (and figuring out if I should get a new one that has more flexible hours and pays better... God can do miracles, right?).

I've arrived...

I'm finding that stress is a fuel for my writing. Right now, I'm suffering a little from a lack of stress as I try to figure out how to communicate what this day was like. I started out a lot more emotional than I've been in quite a while, partly because of the anxiety I felt about what the outcome of this process would be (though it really was quite minimal as I really was feeling God's peace pervading and assuring me that He's in control), partly because of the serious lack of sleep, and mostly because of the process I've been brought through. A lot of things that were said or done throughout the week have been really freeing in so many ways. I can't really describe it, so I'll leave it at that.

We began our day at World Team Headquarters with a focus on God's peace and joy, and the importance of bringing those things into the rhythms of our lives. We followed by talking about the various outcomes of our time at RACE. Our options include the following 3:

(1) you are a valuable person and this is in no way a reflection on you as a person but just in relation to World Team (which they say before everyone of the results), but we just don't feel like you are a good fit with World Team,

(2) we think you could be a good fit with World Team, but there are some areas we'd like you to work on and then come back through RACE,

(3) we think you are a good fit with World Team and we'd like to extend to you an invitation to join us.

The moment of truth finally came and Desma and Linda pulled me back to the same room I'd been interviewed by them in before and began saying again that these results are in no way a reflection on you as a person. By that time I was thinking the worst had come, but Linda quickly moved on to say that, "You've been invited to join World Team". I was elated and choked up and a lot of things at once. Desma shared with me a little later that she'd bawled when she heard those same words after going through RACE herself. I also heard later from one of the other assessors that Desma had been in the assessor meetings championing the cause of the introverts in the group which I thought was pretty awesome. After sharing with me some of the strengths they saw in me and going over what this invitation means, Linda gave me a list of things "to do" as I prepare now for getting on the field.

I left that room with a lot of joy and peace as I called family and then a few friends to let them know the outcome of this whole process. Later in the afternoon, I received my field recommendations. They were: Cameroon, the Philippines, and any place in need of a teacher/tutor for missionary kids. Lots to pray about.

I have to say that my reaction time is sometimes kinda slow. My interview was over by 9:30 and it didn't really hit me until 12:30 that my biggest goal was now moving very quickly towards being realized, that I'm now a "missionary appointee"... so many new things all at once. But also so many things at home that I need to figure out as I pray about whether or not I should keep the job I have now, or look at something else (and if so, what?), and lots of things that have probably not yet crossed my mind.

I also have to say that I've been really grateful for the people God brought to RACE with me. Each of us have come away from the process with peace and feeling like we've been dealt with in a lot of love and grace. There's a genuineness and "sweetness" (as Krista put it) in the investment World Team has made in our lives and in the way our team dealt with each other. If you ever get the chance to RACE, you should definitely take it.

End of assessment.... thank goodness.

Our sessions ended at 3:00 today, 6 hours earlier than they've been ending; glory be! Instead of feeling like 2 days, today only felt like 1 and 1/2. We've made it through assessment in one piece and are all still getting along with each other. I can't remember whether or not I've mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back through my other blogs and see, but it's been a blessing being a part of a group of singles because we can share the joys and hardships of our single status together. After completing our last task as a team, we, the singles of the group, went out for sushi and enjoyed relaxing and not feeling like every second of our time was planned out for us.
As far as the actual assessment for today goes, the tone was different from the previous 1 and a 1/2 days (have we really only been doing assessment for that short a period??). During the morning, we had to prepare and complete our final task in between interviews. That part was stressful as we felt the time crunch towards the end, but the interviews I really enjoyed. I enjoy face-to-face, one-on-one interaction with people. I went through two interviews, one with Dezma and Linda, and the other with Bill, someone from the Center for Organizational Ministry and Development (something along those lines anyway). The first went by really quickly. Linda and Desma both had a lot of questions that we didn't have nearly enough time to get through. At the end they both said they were having a really hard time because they were wanting to identify with me as they're both introverted, but they have to be objective in their analysis.

The second interview was something I'd been curious about all week. I have a rather odd obsession with personality tests (I take the Greek saying "know thyself" very seriously... or something). Hearing somebody repeat back to me what goes on in my head in a way that made sense in English was a little weird; and that was basically what happened. I'd taken the actual test back in September and really had been wondering about what kind of freak I'd turn out to be. Apparently I'm a weird one, but that's ok. I think we're all a little weird. Some of the highlights of that interview were my irrational fears of people, my love for intellectual challenges and how my desire for intellectual challenges makes me get bored and want to move on when I get stuck in one thing (ADD basically), how I love art and music and beauty and all of those things help me focus on something outside of myself, how I deal with conflict by diffusing it with humor and how sometimes I shouldn't do that. It all gave me a lot to think about and helped me see some of my strengths and weaknesses and how they play for and against each other. It was more in depth than I'd expected, and by far the most accurate explanation to me of myself.

After that, we completed our "task" and were free for the rest of the afternoon. Funny that I wait until 11 to finish my blog for the day...

Longest birthday ever... in a good way :)

It's nearly 11:30 as I'm writing this over here in Philly. Today began at 6 a.m. with getting up and leaving insanely early (John, a fellow RACEr staying at the same host home as me and the only one over 25 and able to drive a rental car, did not grow up in New Mexico and therefore does not have the same appreciation I do for arriving at the last possible second, or later). Most of today was my fellow RACErs and I trying to get to know each other as a team through sharing testimonies and various "exercises". I came out of some of our sessions with really interesting headaches and am realizing how much I value peace and quiet. And when I say "quiet", I mean absolute stillness. I'm feeling less like a de-shelled turtle than I did yesterday (which I'm very thankful for) as I had about 5 minutes outside with only a bird for company, enjoying being surrounded by a rich earthy fragrance (which was rudely interrupted by the anchovi- and onion-scented salad-dressing I'd picked for my leafy greens) that candle-makers only wish they could capture. Being rather severely introverted, times like those help me find my center of balance. One of the key words of a lot of our sessions was "chaos", and I know it was difficult for a lot of people in our group to deal with that word and the ideas behind it, as there are a lot of introverted people here at this particular RACE event. There are no "dominant" personalities in our group so it's been a challenge for us to get into a good system with leadership roles being clearly defined.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought, and I'm a little too tired to go back and retrace my steps over this blog, but just continue to pray for all of us as we work together through our assessment process. Pray that we would learn to rely on God more as a group, specifically. Tomorrow won't be as long, but we have a lot of stuff to accomplish during the morning and early afternoon and we need God's strength and guidance to get through it :).

First day of Assessment... dun dun dun

Today feels like 2 days rolled into one... my goodness... (If this blog ends up really short, it's because I'm quite worn out and feeling a lot like a turtle that's been de-shelled.) We began the first day of orientation finishing out our "orientation stage". At lunch we switched gears and began looking at all of the personality tests we've taken over the past few months during the application process and also did some other more "top secret" kinds of things.
One thing that I enjoyed during the afternoon was hearing the testimonies of some of my fellow RACErs. I identified a lot with one of the gals, Krista, as she shared about the things she struggled with during the transitional phases of life (i.e. periods between high school graduation and college, college and real life, etc.). She's just a little older than me, but hearing her stories was really a blessing to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go be introverted for a few moments before going to bed. Thanks so much for all your prayers! They're very helpful and very needed.

Second day... end of first impression worries :)

Today started out with a little bit of a trip trying to locate the nearest Starbucks. It's not quite as common here in Warrington, PA as it is in Albuquerque where there's at least one on every major street and you only have to drive about 5 minutes before you come across one. John, the only RACEr staying at our host home who's over 25 and therefore the only one able to drive our rental car, patiently drove Sydney and me through town until we saw one, at which point Sydney and I both yelled and pointed a little overenthusiastically (you must understand that our hostess's mother is the one who makes the coffee here and it's a little weak).

Coffee and scones in hand, we began our day with a little worship service, singing to guitar music and hearing out of the Word of God from Bob Heywood, a man with a loud, booming voice and a passionate message. He spoke out of 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, and gave a great reminder of the message and the absolute power of the Gospel. One thing I've already grown to appreciate about World Team is that everything begins and ends with the Gospel, not with numbers or philosophies or anything that's secondary to work in missions. They emphasize to us that we need to be preaching the Gospel to ourselves every day or we easily forget the power behind the cross that allows us to live free, grace-filled lives.

After that, we talked briefly about different fields, and areas of service. I asked a question about teaching, and the gal that was giving the presentation, Sara, had worked as a teacher in Africa for a few years. I talked with her over lunch about the different requirements for being a teacher in an MK school, and she gave whole bunch of helpful advice about getting a license through a Christian organization (ACSI or something like that... she e-mailed the info to me so I can look over it later), and using substitute teaching as a way to gain some experience. I was pretty excited :).

Then we covered all kinds of things in different sessions like discipleship, teamwork, working with different family dynamics (being singled, being married, having kids) and how people from different "stages" of life should work together. It still feels like a lot of information overload. I'm a little exhausted and overwhelmed still, but they assured us they wouldn't be testing us over it at the end of the week so that's a relief haha :).

Tomorrow the real fun begins, the long days of assessment, so I'm off to bed to get some rest and let my brain reboot.